


CHEESE!

by EmberLeo



Series: The Emberquizzy Chronicles [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alistair (Dragon Age) Loves Cheese, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bonding Over Cheese, Cheese, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Modern Girl in Thedas, Ridiculousness, Self-Insert, The Inquisitor Loves Cheese Too!, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 11:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17304113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmberLeo/pseuds/EmberLeo
Summary: A side story from The Canticle of Dreams-----When Lady Morrigan told the Inquisitor that King Alistair was especially fond of cheese, she decided immediately that he could not live any longer without trying Fondue.Hilarity ensued.-----





	1. A Letter To The King

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, yeah. I am Not-A-Standard-Example-of-Humanity, and thought "wouldn't it be hilarious if someone like me got sucked into being the Inquisitor?" so I dove headlong into a ridiculous, fluffy self-insert MGIT fic that is already over 160k words long, and not quite done yet. (I will probably need beta readers who know Thedas but not me, to help me make it coherent! If you're interested, let me know in comments!)
> 
> In an effort to make it more readable for folks who don't know me, I'm pulling some of the tangents out into stand-alone fics, and this is the first of them. Hopefully it's worthwhile in its own right!
> 
> -E-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inquisitor Ember gets a cheesy idea.

Your Majesty, King Alistair Theirin,

I am delighted to hear that we were able to assist in clearing the Venatori from your royal palace. A pitched battle in the kitchen may not be quite as convenient as one in the armory, but it is at least a good deal more interesting, and the scorch marks blend in almost as well as they do at the forge. (Or so I am told. Not that I have ever fought a battle in a kitchen, nor lit one on fire. At least not that anyone can prove.)

I now have the blessing of being advised by _two_ of your former companions. You of course already knew that Sister Leliana, as the Left Hand of the Divine, is one of the founders of the Inquisition. We have also recently been joined by Lady Morrigan, Occult Advisor to the Imperial court of Orlais.

It was the latter who advised me that you are especially fond of cheese. To be precise, she observed that I talk like you, and asked if I, too, was obsessed with cheese. As it happens, I am indeed excessively fond of cheese, though I have no idea what that has to do with my sense of humor, much less my syntax.

To celebrate the improved relationship between the Crown of Ferelden and the Inquisition, I would like to invite you and your esteemed Queen to Skyhold for a small dinner featuring our favorite food.

Sister Leliana assures me that she can make time to join us. I have yet to ask Lady Morrigan if she would like to join us, but she seems strangely unmoved by the prospect of cheese for dinner, so I suspect she will bow out.

~Inquisitor Ember~

\-----

Josephine is horrified by my attempt at writing a letter to a royal from scratch. Leliana was even more convulsed with hilarity than she was by my initial suggestion, and insisted that the letter was perfect, and should be sent as-is, immediately.

She even offered to send one of her own agents with it, though she assured Josephine that it was a routine trip to Denerim anyway, and not an excuse to plant more spies in the capital of Ferelden. (Leliana needs excuses for that?)

\-----

Oh, hey, they have actual cooking stoves in our kitchen after all! The tech levels in Thedas confuse the hell out of me. Cooking stoves, sure. Rifles, nope. Not that I mind! But do they have suitable bowls for a double boiler? And how best to keep the pot warm _during_ dinner? I’m thinking maybe I can borrow a couple fire runes from Dagna for the night…

The next step is, of course, to figure out what kinds of cheese are equivalent to Gruyere and Emmenthaler. Flour is easy. Sherry is easy. Garlic is easy. Getting the kitchen staff to cut up day-old bread and such to dip in the cheese is easy. Basil and garlic for another pot are easy, and I can use less interesting cheeses for those if necessary. Oooh, I wonder if we have the equivalents of Gorgonzola and Neufchatel?

I will test the small batch of basic cheese fondue this evening. Even if King Alistair doesn’t accept the invitation, I want some, dangit. It’s my favorite birthday food! I haven’t sorted out when the equivalent of my birthday is here in Thedas… Do I go with Nth day of the year, or X day of Y month? Actually, distance from the Equinox is probably what would feel right, but there’s only a 5 day difference in the whole year… Oh, but when does the year turn over relative to the Solstices? Meh, not that anybody else knows or cares about my birthday…

\-----

Aha! It took a little fidgeting with the heat options, but I have achieved cheese fondue! Now I’m wondering if chocolate fondue is possible? But I think that requires dutch process chocolate, doesn’t it? If the conversation I caught between the Iron Bull and Varric is any indication, chocolate isn’t a thing in Southern Thedas yet, and in the North it’s still equivalent to Aztec use, which means neither dutch process nor tempered chocolate, yeah? Drink, yes, cake, maybe, candies no. I could probably figure out how to rebalance the acid given natural cocoa powder, but I have no idea how to go from raw nibs to natural powder, much less tempered chocolate for dipped fruit or bacon. _Sigh._

Oh, but I could totally do caramel! If I can remember how caramel is made, and we have the right kind of sugars… hmm… Was it supersaturated cream cooked until brown? No, that’s more like dulce du leche, isn’t it? That would be good too, though. Maybe the cooks already know how to make caramel sauces?

It occurs to me that the kind of pastries they’ve been making imply that we usually have plenty of butter or lard on hand. Must investigate cooking options...

\-----

King Alistair accepted! He’s even bringing some of his favorite Ferelden cheese. Queen Anora is coming, too, but she will be heading back two days later, whereas he will be staying a full week, in order to confer with Commander Cullen, and check in with Warden Stroud and Connor Guerrin, however unofficially. Josephine hinted that it might be a good opportunity to see if an official representative from Empress Celene’s court might be available, but I’d rather not complicate this round. Now to figure out if I need to keep Madame Vivienne away from him, and if so, how.

Are there such things as grilled cheese sandwiches in Ferelden? If not, I should absolutely make some for His Majesty. The cooks here in Skyhold didn’t blink when I explained what I wanted that first night, but the head cook is a Marcher, I think? I haven’t seen pasta very often, so mac ‘n’ cheese isn’t going to happen this time. Unless they have pasta in Antiva? Maybe I could get some, since it would be for royalty.

I’m over-thinking this, aren’t I? Is there such a thing as too much cheese? I am ridiculously excited at the prospect of fondue dinner with someone who isn’t offended by my utter dorkitude. Now if I can just avoid acting too much like an idiotic fangirl in front of Queen Anora, we should be good.

\-----


	2. A Royal Entrance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen greets his King with Mabari, like any good Ferelden.

King Alistair and Queen Anora arrive today. Josephine wanted to instruct me in proper Ferelden etiquette but Leliana and Cullen both assured her that my manners were adequate for King Alistair’s purposes. Leliana has promised to greet them with me. I did let Lady Morrigan know that they were coming. She raised an eyebrow and thanked me for the warning. Huh.

I’ve changed my clothing three times already. The first outfit seemed too militant, and the second was too uncomfortable. I’ve settled into one of the nicer outfits Josephine gave me for interacting with diplomats here in Skyhold. I’m just glad clothing in Thedas never has tags inside to scratch at my neck.

Word has gone around Skyhold that they are coming, and Ferelden members are encouraged to observe respectfully when they arrive. Commander Cullen has arranged something special to greet them at the gate, I’m told. Something involving the trained war dogs that are so prominent in Ferelden heraldry. I’m to wait on the mid-landing of the stairs to the main hall, with Leliana, where we can see the gates clearly and be seen.

\-----

The special greeting Cullen arranged was two rows of our Mabari hounds and their handlers, all standing at attention, without leashes, lined along the stairs from lower courtyard to the upper courtyard. When the king and queen arrived, an order was given, and when the handlers knelt, the dogs laid down beside them, and laid their heads on their paws respectfully. King Alistair was given treats for each of the dogs, and invited to greet each dog individually, giving them the reward if he was pleased. Apparently he absolutely loves Mabari. Queen Anora watched him, her posture relaxed but regal. She seemed gently amused, looking on her husband with detached fondness. He offered her some of the treats, but she only took one, to interact with the last of the dogs at the top of the lower stairs.

Cullen guided them around and up the stairs to where Leliana and I were waiting.

“Your Majesties,” he said, “this is our beloved Inquisitor Ember, the Herald of Andraste.” I gave them what I hope was a calm smile, and nodded, holding out my hand to shake.

King Alistair shook my hand firmly. “It is good to finally meet you properly, Inquisitor. Last time we met was… “ he paused, and I grinned.

“A bit of a disaster?” I quipped, knowingly.

“Something like that,” he laughed.

“And I know our Nightingale needs no introduction,” Cullen finished.

“Of course not,” Leliana replied, approaching her old companion. “My dear friend, it is so good to see you,” she added, warmly, leaning in to hug him briefly. It seemed sincere, but I suppose with our spymaster one never knows.

“It  _ is _ good to see you, Leliana,” King Alistair agreed. “Though it would be even better to see you sometime the world isn’t falling apart.”

He turned to me, “Inquisitor, this is my wife and queen, Anora.”

“I remember you from before, your majesty, thank you for coming,” I nodded, holding out my hand again. Her handshake was firmer than I expected, but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Ferelden breeds stern nobles, and her father was a war hero before he was disgraced.

We led them into the great hall, where Josephine took over showing them their rooms and giving them a brief tour, with the promise of more later once they were rested. I assume Cullen’s people showed the rest of their party to their rooms. Most of them will be heading back with Queen Anora, I’m told, in a couple of days. King Alistair is staying for a while longer, with only two of his men for company on the way back. I suspect Cullen will send a few of our own along as well, just in case.

\-----


	3. A Royal Proposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anora has an unexpected suggestion for the Inquisitor.

“Inquisitor, may I speak with you for a moment?”

Queen Anora was standing in the doorway to Josephine's office, her expression politely cautious.

"Of course, your majesty," I agreed immediately, nodding to Josephine before moving to offer the Ferelden monarch my arm. "Did Lady Josephine have the chance to show you the garden yet? I could give you a brief tour if you like."

"No, she didn't, and that would be lovely, thank you," she agreed amiably.

I guided her through the great hall and into the gardens. "We've been making improvements steadily, increasing the variety and volume of helpful herbs and fruit we can grow here." I explained at a normal volume, gesturing accordingly. She nodded with interest - feigned or real, I wasn't sure.

"We have very useful herb gardens in Denerim, your worship. Perhaps we could send some cuttings and seeds for herbs you do not already have," she suggested.

"Oh, that would be wonderful!" I agreed, with genuine enthusiasm. "I'm sure our apothecary would appreciate the help."

Queen Anora nodded, her smile wider than any I'd seen up until that point. "I'm sure we'd be honored to help the Inquisition in any way we can."

"And we are honored for your help, your majesty." She hadn't actually brought anything up to me yet, though. Did she need more privacy? "Would you like to sit in the gazebo for a bit?" I offered, "Or would you like to see from up on the ramparts? We have some spectacular views. It does get a little windy, though, which can make it sort of hard to hear each other sometimes."

"I think I'll brave the winds, Inquisitor. Those views sound lovely."

So I guided her up the stairs and onto a stretch of ramparts where nobody was in earshot, making a point of gesturing to the surrounding mountains and at various parts of the castle.

"What was it you wished to discuss with me, your majesty? If this isn't private enough, we can use my suite." I pointed up to my balcony.

"This is adequate, Inquisitor, thank you. I wished to discuss my husband with you."

I had a guess as to why. "Is King Alistair well? We've heard all the Wardens in Orlais are hearing the Calling, but we weren’t sure if it reached as far as Denerim. We strongly suspect it's false, created by Corypheus to stir up trouble among the Wardens. If I can assuage his mind on the topic, I would be glad to."

"I'm certain he will be pleased for any information you can give him, but no, that isn't what I wanted to discuss."

"Oh. Well... I am... at your disposal?" I offered, cautiously.

"Thank you. In your letter, you were very..." She paused. I winced inwardly, holding my face blankly patient, waiting for her disapproval. " _ Humorous _ ," she concluded, much to my surprise. "Alistair was delighted, frankly, which is part of why we're here. He very much wanted to meet you again in person, as did I. Nothing we saw of you in Redcliffe would have led us to expect such a response."

I exhaled carefully, and smiled wryly. "I wasn’t in the best mood just then, no. I’m not sure you were ever given a full explanation of what really happened there, were you? Perhaps I can tell you more at dinner.” I shrugged. “Honestly, I was a little worried I'd cause offense with that letter, but Lady Morrigan and Sister Leliana both seemed sure that my sense of humor would please him, so I sort of... went for it." I shrugged again sheepishly.

She smiled at me much the same, tolerant way I'd seen her smile at her husband with the dogs.

I laughed, shaking my head. "Honestly, if I didn't have Lady Josephine and Sister Leliana keeping my smart mouth in line, I'm sure I'd have offended all of Orlais and half of the rest of Thedas long since. I'm glad Fereldens are more reasonable people."

She laughed at that, "Oh, trust me, there are plenty in the Bannorn who would be just as offended as any Orlesian snob. Alistair drives them absolutely wild at times, and he can barely tolerate them in return. Keeping the less reasonable nobles happy is why he has me."

"Well, then it's a good thing he has you, and I have Lady Josephine, isn't it?"

"Indeed. Arranging our marriage is quite possibly the smartest thing Warden Cousland could have done for Ferelden."

I tilted my head, my expression mildly worried. Her tone was resigned. Everything I'd ever heard of Queen Anora held her up as one of the best monarchs Ferelden had ever had, and she and Alistair were absolutely beloved of their people, if not all of their nobles. But arranged political marriages aren't exactly the best route to happiness.

"For Ferelden, certainly, I've heard. For you and him, though?" I ventured cautiously.

She nodded, smiling slightly. "For us it is acceptable. I loved his brother dearly, and while I am very fond of Alistair, ours is very much a marriage of state."

"That must be difficult for both of you."

"It is what it needs to be. Our inability to produce an heir is of far more concern to all involved than our lack of passion for each other," she replied, looking me in the eyes.

I blinked. That was considerably more blunt than I was expecting. "I... can see why that would be an issue, yes."

She shrugged, looking up at the tower, her eyes distant, "I bore Cailan no heirs either, and he wasn't a Warden. It was never likely that Alistair and I would have children together, and it becomes less likely that Alistair will produce even a bastard heir as time passes."

"I'm sorry for you both, then, your majesty. It is a painful thing to be childless against your will." I replied, my voice low with my own sorrow. I never did fit children into my life at home, and now I’m too disabled to raise them.

Queen Anora looked at me curiously, with her head tilted to one side, and then seemed to make up her mind about something.

"I think my husband will like you a great deal, Inquisitor. If you wish to have an affair with him, you have my blessing."

I shook my head, blinking, and looked up at her face. "I'm sorry?"

"The letter you wrote to us. You are... well suited to him, I think. He has had few choices and little happiness in his life, your worship. If he were to choose you, I would not be displeased."

I continued blinking for a while, opening and closing my mouth several times before I managed to sort out something to say.

"I...uh... Thank you for your trust, at least, your majesty," I said, finally, and then took a deep breath. "I admit, it never crossed my mind that my letter would come across as an invitation to anything more than friendship and alliance. I'm not really in a position to consider more personal... entanglements just now. But if either or both of you wish to be friends beyond whatever political obligations we carry, I'm sure it's always nice to have people you can trust to be... well, people... with. Right." I closed my eyes, laughing at myself for a moment. "I'd worry I'm absolutely borking this conversation, but I'm not sure there's an established protocol for how to handle a queen offering her king to an inquisitor for a bedmate."

Much to my surprise, she laughed at that. "Oh, I'm sure they have one in Orlais!" She smiled at me wistfully, "I really do think my husband is going to adore you, Inquisitor. If nothing else comes of it, so be it, but I do indeed hope you'll be friends. And yes, of course, I also hope the Inquisition can ally with Ferelden. But it really would be nice if, for once, that wasn't the only consideration."

"Agreed!" I grinned at her, and then turned to offer her my elbow again. "Shall I show you the rest of our amazing, windy views, or do you want to get down out of the cold now, your majesty?"

"I hear you have a worthy library. I assume it is indoors?" She asked mock-solemnly.

"Yes, the library is indeed indoors. Both of them, are, in fact! Which would you like to see first, the regular one, or the spooky one?"

"Let's save the 'spooky' library for when Alistair can join us."

"Oh, of course!"

\-----


	4. A Fondue Feast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alistair notices that Leliana and Anora are Up To Something.

King Alistair and Queen Anora sat at a small table in my suite with me and Leliana, holding out the long forks I’d had Harritt make for me, cubes of slightly stale bread stuck to the ends.

“And it’s just melted cheese?” he wondered at the pot of fondue kept warm with runes.

“It’s almost a cheese sauce, but not quite,” I explained. “Plain melted cheese would only work with really soft cheeses, and those are too mild to be any fun in a fondue.”

“So what are these rules you mentioned, Ember?” Leliana prompted, deliberately casual.

“Right! Well, supposedly tradition dictates that if a woman loses her bread in the fondue, she owes a kiss to the man beside her, and if a man loses his, he owes the table a round of drinks. But all the drinks are on me anyway, and his majesty is the only man, so that doesn’t work very well, does it?”

Alistair held out his arms expansively, “I don’t object to those rules!”

“Of course you don’t,” Leliana laughed, rolling her eyes. Anora looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

I cleared my throat. “Right. Well, I always thought those rules were terrible anyway. Why don’t the boys get to kiss? And it’s a little weird when the only people I’m eating with are my mother and sister. So maybe we can make up our own rules if we want a game of it?”

“We could simply each owe a kiss to the person on our left,” Leliana suggested.

“Aww. I liked the other way better,” Alistair lamented jokingly.

“What, you _don’t_ want to watch Leliana kiss me or your wife?” I replied dryly.

“On second thought…” he laughed. Leliana’s grin was wicked.

Anora kept an impressively straight face. “That sounds suitable.”

Alistair turned to his wife, eyebrows raised, “Seriously? My dear, I’m sure they were joking.”

“You don’t think it sounds like fun?” Anora turned to her husband, expression innocent.

“You want me to kiss the Inquisitor every time I lose my bread in the cheese?” he asked, his tone flatly disbelieving.

“I’m sure if it’s traditional, she’ll be understanding, dear,” she replied, the corner of her mouth quirking.

Leliana gave me a speculative look, while I covered my mouth with my curled hand, trying not to choke.

I cleared my throat, looking pointedly at Leliana, “It’s really okay if we don’t. You’re all new. And so are the forks,” I added, a bit worried.

“And give up the game? Don’t be silly, Ember,” Leliana smiled mischievously.

“Yes, I think it will be an interesting challenge, Inquisitor,” Anora agreed firmly.

Alistair looked at both of them with growing suspicion, and then at me. I returned his skeptical look with a helpless shrug.

“You!” he declared accusingly, pointing a finger and scowling suspiciously at his wife, “You’re up to something. I can always tell!”

Anora returned his gaze placidly, “No, dear, you can’t.”

I blushed. “Up to what?” I asked, embarrassed.

Leliana let out a melodic laugh, “Oh, _this_ will be _very_ entertaining!”

Alistair perked up, “Entertaining? Will there be minstrels? Jugglers? A talking mabari?”

Anora smiled enigmatically. “That depends on the Inquisitor, I’m sure.”

I shook my head, eyes wide, “Ohhhh no. Absolutely not! I’m _terrible_ at juggling. And no dogs in my apartments. They stink! Leliana and I _could_ sing a song, though, maybe.”

Alistair pretended to pout, “You don’t like the way dogs smell?” only to laugh, “Maybe we shouldn’t invite you back to Denerim after all, then!”

Leliana nodded ruefully. “Ferelden does smell like a pack of wet dogs the farther East you go. I don’t miss that.”

“Not to worry,” Anora spoke up, “I’m sure Alistair can find the time to return to Skyhold as needed.”

“I could?” Alistair looked at Anora, confused again.

“Needed for what?” I asked cautiously.

“They _are_ well matched,” Leliana murmured.

“Aren’t they?” Anora replied.

“They’re up to something,” I sighed, nodding to Alistair.

“Well, they’re awake, aren’t they?” he laughed.

I shook my head in resignation, and then laughed. “Well, it’s your loss, Leliana. I’m the _least_ likely to lose my bread, after all.”

“I’m certain we’ll think of something,” she said archly.

“Sabotage is cheating,” I admonished.

“Only if you get caught,” she replied.

\-----

“Sooo, yeah, sorry about that. I’m sure I looked like hell when I came back out of that rift, but trust me, we left Redcliffe in MUCH better shape than we found it there!”

“Maker’s breath! That sounds worse than our visit through the fade with that damned sloth demon in Kinloch Hold,” Alistair shuddered, though the hand holding his wine glass didn’t move.

“I read a bit about that. Were you there, too?” I asked my spymistress.

Leliana nodded, “Kaigan was worried they would refuse to lend us the help we needed for Connor if he brought Morrigan or Sten, so he took me and Alistair with him. And his mabari, of course, but the templars wouldn’t let him bring the dog up into the tower when they closed us inside. That’s where we met Wynne, and it was the four of us who cleared the Circle of demons, abominations, and blood mages.” She looked down at her hands, sadly. “That’s also where we met Cullen, actually.”

“Ahh, yes, I remember that,” Alistair sighed. “He thought we were an illusion created by demons at first, and tried to banish us by sheer force of will. They had him trapped in some kind of barrier, isolated from the others for who knows how long. He hadn’t slept or eaten in days.”

“Dear gods!” I exclaimed, “That’s horrible!”

Leliana nodded, her expression very serious. “That is why he was transferred to Kirkwall after the blight, though I think it was not the mercy they intended. They needed people who could handle the constant threat of blood mages and abominations that Kirkwall seems to generate, and thought he might get along better there. Knight-Commander Meredith already had a reputation for… _vigilance_. I fear his experiences there only made it worse for him.” She sighed, and then straightened. “It is a testament to his strength of will that he was able to stand against her with the Champion in the end. That strength impressed us. It’s what prompted Cassandra to recruit him to be our commander.”

“That does explain a great deal, yes. I didn’t think about the fact that you may have met him before, your majesty. I should have invited him to this dinner, shouldn’t I?”

“Please call me Alistair. At least in private, I can get away with ignoring titles among friends.”

“Indeed, do call me Anora, Inquisitor,” the queen added.

“Oh excellent, then it’s okay to tell you to call me Ember! Josephine is always on me not to tell people that.”

“Josie is just being careful, Ember,” Leliana assured me, her tone jovial and slightly slurred. I wasn’t sure if she was truly tipsy, feigning the loss of control, or completely sloshed and just barely beginning to slip.

“Oh, I know. And I do try to remember everything she tells me. I just hate all these honorifics. Honestly, it makes my skin crawl when some stranger walks up and calls me ‘Your Worship’ while gazing adoringly at me like I’m some kind of saint. How am I supposed to live up to that?” I threw up my hands in exasperation.

Alistair nodded knowingly.

“But it’s even worse,”I continued, scowling, “when it’s some slippery nobleman who obviously doesn’t believe a word of it, and is just trying to ingratiate himself to me”

“Let me refill your glass, Ember,” Leliana offered, but I waved my hand at her.

“Don’t bother. I prefer the spice tea anyway. Even the best wine is a waste on me. Now, if you’ve got some mead, we’ll talk.”

“Too sweet!” Anora declared. “I’d rather have a single-malt whiskey.”

“Really? I’ll keep that in mind next time I find a bottle of the hard stuff. Unless Dorian is with me. Then he’ll take it before I have a chance to hide it away.”

“Surely you can tell him it’s a gift for royalty?” Alistair laughed.

“Oh, I’ll tell him. It won’t _help_ , but I’ll tell him.”

"Ah!” Leliana squeaked, and then leaned over to kiss Anora, who had already moved to offer her cheek.

Alistair pouted, his eyes sparkling with mirth. “This isn’t the show you promised at all.”

Anora raised an eyebrow at her husband, and turned to face Leliana, challengingly. The former-bard smiled enticingly, placing her lithe hands on either side of the queen’s face, and kissed her slowly, carefully. They parted, and turned to look at Alistair.

“Better?” Leliana asked, mischievously.

Alistair coughed, “Much!”

\-----

We plowed through the traditional white fondue with crusty bread, and moved on to the garlic basil fondue with veggies and meat.

“So the senior Wardens knew about Corypheus, but we’re not sure how much, or what, exactly they knew, and now we can’t find most of them. But what little we’ve managed to learn is that all the Wardens in the South are under Warden-Commander Clarel’s direction, with Warden-Commander Cousland gone off wherever he’s gone. And they’re hearing something like the Calling. Only we think it’s Corypheus who is doing it, somehow.”

“That’s a relief to hear,” Alistair replied, sighing. “I knew it wasn’t an archdemon, but that damned singing got louder and louder the closer to Orlais we travelled.” He frowned, his thoughts clearly sobering. “I’m not sure which I dread worse, the deep roads or the imperial court…”

“You absolutely  _ certain _ you don’t hear an archdemon, Alistair?” Leliana prompted.

“Definitely not,” he replied, shaking his head. “I still have nightmares about the last one! Big, noisy, fire-breathing  _ monster _ .”

“The dragon that attacked us at Haven looked something like an archdemon, up to and including the big, fire-breathing, and monster aspects,” I explained, “but it seemed to be under Corypheus’ control. We were worried he might have somehow gotten command of one of the remaining two. If you’re quite sure there’s no archdemon, that’s a relief, but then what the hell  _ is _ that thing?”

“What did it look like?” he asked.

“Like a huge, fire-breathing high dragon!” I repeated, and then added, “It was corrupted the same way Corypheus was corrupted, with stone cropping out of its skin.”

“Could it be infected with red lyrium, the way the breakaway templars are?” he mused.

“I suppose it’s possible.” I looked at Leliana. “We should look into that.”

“Of course, Inquisitor,” she responded, seriously.

“Oh blast!” Alistair leaned over the pot, fishing for his carrot slice.

“Now you owe Ember a kiss,” Anora observed.

“Let the man find his carrot,” I objected, blushing yet again.

Alistair held up his hands, “Now, now, never let it be said that I don’t fulfill my obligations!”

He leaned over and kissed me politely on the cheek, much to my relief, Anora’s amusement, and Leliana’s disappointment.

\-----


	5. An Awkward Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inquisitor Ember is Evasive. Alistair has an Idea.

The third course was the cream and bleu fondue with sliced fruit for dessert. We poured cordials and brandy for the others, and spiced milk tea for me.

“These are all traditional where you come from?” Anora asked.

“No, just the first one is traditional, although I’ve had the other two many times.”

“Where exactly  _ are _ you from, Ember?” Alistair asked, finally.

I looked at Leliana, hesitantly. She shrugged, looking down slightly. I know she trusts Alistair. Does she trust Anora?

“I’m from the  _ Valley of the Sun _ ,” I replied, enigmatically.

“I thought I knew all the Free Marcher regions,” Alistair mused.

“Oh, I’m not from the Free Marches, although I suppose that’s what everyone assumes, isn’t it?”

“It’s the accent,” he agreed, “Either that, or you’re the biggest dwarf I’ve ever seen! Uh, not that you’re very big… I mean...” he stammered, running a hand through his hair, making the front stick up oddly.

I grinned at him, reassuringly. “Oh, that’s from the Avvar blood, doncha know? I’m actually the secret love child of an Avvar Shaman and the former king of Orzammar! They held their clandestine affair in ancient Dwarven tunnels south of Haven, where I grew up, which is why nobody ever saw me before I  _ just happened _ to walk in on the Conclave in time to blow everything to smithereens!”

“Are you really part Avvar?” he asked, incredulous.

I shrugged, “Not that I know of, but it wouldn’t surprise me if I did turn out I have Avvar blood in my veins somewhere - or Dwarven. Or even Elven, for that matter. I’m pretty sure I’m not Qunari though. Although that  _ would _ explain my thick skull...” I mused.

Leliana and Anora exchanged amused looks.

“So where is the Valley of the Sun, then?” Alistair asked.

“In the greater Valley of Heart’s Delight, nestled between the Devil’s Hills and the Saint’s Mountains, of course.” I replied cheekily. “Seriously? I have no idea where it is relative to  _ here _ , but I promise it’s nowhere near Haven. I came out of the Fade in the Temple of Sacred Ashes, but that isn’t where I went  _ in _ .”

“You were transported  _ through _ the Fade?” Anora exclaimed, shocked. “I thought that was just a ridiculous rumor! Did Andraste really deliver you, then?”

“Well, there was a glowing woman behind me when I emerged, I’m told, but I have no idea who she was, I’m sorry.”

“You’re told? You don’t remember?” Alistair sounded worried for me.

“I don’t, no. Just flashes of green, sounds, and weird dreams.”

“Is it true you’re a Dreamer as well? And an apostate?” Anora asked.

“I am, a Dreamer, yes. And no, my training did not come from the Circles, although now some of my teaching comes from First Enchanter Vivienne and Grand Enchanter Fiona.”

“And that Tevinter mage, and the elven fade expert, yes?” Alistair added.

“Especially the latter, yes. Solas has helped me a great deal since I arrived, translating what I know from home into useful techniques for the Inquisition.”

“Ember has been helping the gathered mages find better methods for detecting and reversing possession,” Leliana told her old friend, enthusiastically. “Connor has been helping with the project.”

“That’s wonderful!” Alistair exclaimed. “I know Connor was very nervous to be back in Redcliffe. I’m glad he’s finding his place here, finally.”

“Connor has been able to give us some truly unique insights. I would never claim that what he went through was any kind of a blessing, but we are definitely blessed that he survived, and is now able to share his knowledge with us today. Thank you for your part in helping that happen, Alistair.” I nodded to him, respectfully.

He flushed slightly. “That was mostly Kaigan and Wynne’s doing, really. I just followed their lead back then.”

“You never give yourself proper credit for your contribution during the blight, Alistair,” Leliana admonished. “You did almost as much work as Kaigan did, and you know it.”

“She’s right, dear,” Anora added. “I may not have been entirely pleased with you at the time, but I could hardly deny then, and would never deny now that you are as much a hero of the fifth blight as any of your companions.”

“Kaigan has always said you should have been named Hero of Ferelden right along with him,” Leliana agreed.

“I always figured ‘King of Ferelden’ was bad enough,” Alistair chuckled ruefully.

“You’ve been a fine king,” Anora said, quietly, putting a hand on his arm. “You just needed to get used to leading, that’s all.”

“I  _ still _ hate it,” he whispered, looking down. “I  _ never  _ wanted to lead. I was perfectly happy following Duncan. I would have followed him at Ostagar, if my brother hadn’t…” he paused, swallowing hard.

I put a hand on his other arm, and squeezed gently. “Hey, now, don’t go there. You’re right where you’re supposed to be, Alistair.”

Leliana rose from her seat to go stand behind Alistair and wrap her arms around his neck from behind.

“We all lost people we loved in the blight,” she said quietly, and kissed his temple. “Bless King Cailan for keeping you safe. If he hadn’t, we’d never have met, old friend.” He reached up his hands to touch Anora’s fingers and Leliana’s arm, leaning his head into hers, and sighing. I looked across and saw tears gathered in Anora’s eyes. I reached across the table to offer her my other hand, but she shook her head, and looked away.

She stood up, smoothly, and excused herself to the privy, leaving me and Leliana to comfort Alistair. I watched her exit, worried, and then looked at Leliana, who closed her eyes briefly and shrugged very slightly. Helpless to assist the queen, I returned my attention to her husband.

“Alistair, what was Kaigan like when you met him?” I asked, hoping I could draw him out of the worst of it along a gentle path.

He chuckled ruefully. “He was cocky, and angry, and funny and sad. He was the best of the recruits, and he knew it. He came with his own mabari companion, and a pair of very long, very sharp daggers, fresh from the massacre of his whole damned family, and took all his frustration out on the darkspawn. I thought he was going to hate me, but he just sized me up, grinned, and pulled me right along.”

Leliana moved from his back to sit in Anora’s chair. “Kaigan was incredibly charming when we met. He believed my vision of the Maker’s will, or at least, he didn’t act like I was crazy. He charmed the Revered Mother out of the key to Sten’s cage, and convinced the Qunari man who is now the Arishok to help him fight the archdemon.”

“He even won over Zevran, and Zev was sent to assassinate us!” Alistair laughed. “By the time the rest of the Crows caught up with us in Denerim, Zev was defending  _ us _ from  _ them _ . It was fantastic!”

“You’re actually a bit like him yourself, Ember,” Leliana said, looking at me and smiling.

“You’ve got to be joking. You think I resemble the hero who killed the archdemon?”

“Not as a fighter, of course, I know you hate fighting. But the way you convince people to join the Inquisition? The way you tell them what they don’t want to hear, and make them want to thank you for it? That’s Kaigan.”

I blushed hard enough to rival the strawberries at her description. To be fair, convincing people that what _ I  _ believe is right is in  _ their  _ best interest is one of the things I’m strangely good at.

“Well, you certainly have _ me  _ convinced!” Alistair agreed, grinning at me, warmly. It felt like the back of my neck must be giving off steam, I blushed so hard.

Anora returned, her face a bit red - likely from being washed in cold water - and sat down in Leliana’s empty chair. “What did I miss?” she asked, her tone carefully light.

“I asked them to tell me about Kaigan Cousland,” I told her.

“Ah, yes. Ferelden was very sad when he left for his most recent quest.”

“Did you get to know him yourself?”

“Only a bit. We first met at court when we were young. Our fathers would bring us to Denerim at the same times, occasionally. The Couslands were a very influential family, and Kaigan’s older brother, Fergus, was one of Cailan’s dear friends. Usually when he comes to visit now, I handle our responsibilities so that Alistair can spend time with his closest friend. We’ve never been close ourselves.”

“If you’ll excuse me,” Leliana spoke up, “there are some things I must attend to before I retire for the night.”

“Of course,” I nodded. “Sleep well when you do, Nightingale.”

“And you, Herald,” she replied.

Anora looked up at me, and Alistair, her eyes clear and thoughtful, if tired. “I believe I, too, need some rest. I have an early day tomorrow. The road back to Denerim is long.”

Alistair began to rise from his seat, but Leliana waved him away. ”I can guide you back to your room, if you like, Anora,” she offered.

“That would be lovely, thank you, Leliana,” Anora agreed.

Alistair and I sat at the table, contemplating the half-empty pot of fondue for a moment, neither of us sure what to say next. I shrugged and loaded another slice of apple onto my fork to dip into the cheese. “No sense letting it go to waste,” I muttered.

He looked up at me, and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ember. I really do think my wife is up to something, but I’m not entirely sure what it is.”

I shrugged. “She’s hoping we’ll be friends,” I replied with forced casualness, handing him a fondue fork loaded with a pear slice.

“ _ Just  _ friends?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, well, she might have suggested a  _ bit  _ more than that,” I admitted, looking down at the table, trying not to blush.

“ _ Uh-huh _ . And when, dare I ask, was this?” he asked, warily amused.

“This afternoon when I showed her around the gardens and ramparts. I believe you were in Commander Cullen’s office at the time.”

“Ah. And… uh, what…” he cleared his throat, “What do you think of her suggestion?” he ventured. I couldn’t tell if his tone was hopeful or just cautious.

“I think that you are a wonderful man, but I barely know you?” I gave him an apologetic half-smile.

He laughed, relaxing back into his chair. “I was almost worried this was some kind of political set up. Ferelden seals their alliance with the Inquisition on a personal -  _ very  _ personal - note.” He sounded relieved.

“No, no! I really do just love cheese, I promise,” I smiled and winced, embarrassed. “And unless she’s a much better liar than I thought, Anora just wants you to be happy.”

“Huh. That’s… okay?” he shook his head, bemused. “What’s Leliana up to, though?”

“Oh, I have  _ no _ idea,” I laughed. “I try not to worry about it too much. I’m pretty sure she’s got spies spying on her spies, and I couldn’t track that kind of detail if I tried.”

“Well, you know what the _ real  _ question is,” he leaned in conspiratorially.

“ _Where’re we going to find a tattoo parlor open at this time of night_?” I asked, affecting Pinky’s cockney accent.

He laughed, obviously confused, “What?”

I waved my hand, “It’s a thing from home. Talking mice. Nevermind. You were saying?”

“Yes, right. The question is, at what point did they start  _ colluding _ ?” He drawled the last word so it sounded like “cah-looo-ding”.

“Well, Leliana’s the one who convinced Josie to let me send the letter, so for all I know she had a plan before Anora ever thought of it. But they don’t have to have been working together before we sat down to dinner, really.”

“True, true. So… do we retaliate?” he grinned wickedly.

“What?” I gave a startled laugh. “How?”

“ _ Well, _ ” he began, “the first thing to do is talk to  _ Varric _ …”

\-----

Half an hour later, we sat in Varric’s room with the remains of the fondue and a fresh carafe of wine.

“They did  _ what _ ?” Varric was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to snarf the wine.

“To be fair, I had at least  _ some _ warning. But Alistair had none at all, apparently!”

“And your first response to being left alone in your own bedroom with a handsome king, and full permission to do as you pleased with him, was to bring him and the rest of your dinner to  _ me _ ? Pipes, we need to have a talk about your priorities.”

I scrunched up my nose. “Now you sound like the Iron Bull. My priorities are just fine, Varric. We came to you because Alistair has an idea.”

Varric was still chuckling. “I know I have a reputation as a romance author, but you’re a grown man, your majesty, you don’t need my advice what to do with our lovely Inquisitor.”

“Well, when you put it that way...” Alistair mused, rolling his eyes. “No, you dirty old man, I had an idea for retaliation. We’re here because you’re just the dwarf for the job.”

“ _ Retaliation _ ? Against Queen Anora and the Nightingale?” he feigned a scandalized look.

“Nothing damaging, of course,” I assured him. “Just a prank, really. But Sera’s methods are too coarse. We need something more…”

“Sophisticated? Subtle?  _ Grown-the-fuck-up _ ?” he suggested.

“Yeah, that.” I agreed.

“Okay,” Varric grinned, “Here’s what we’re going to do...”

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points for whoever can sort out where I'm from in our world from what I've said above! LOL


	6. A Fondue Farewell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things must end.

I walked Alistair down to the kitchens hoping the cook was up for making a few grilled cheese sandwiches for us.

“So you’re here for the rest of the week,” I said, trying to avoid setting my heels down on the stone steps too hard. “I know you wanted some time with Commander Cullen, Warden Stroud, and Connor, but unless you and Commander Cullen have a great deal more to discuss than I’m aware of, that doesn’t sound like it would take more than a couple of days. Is there anything else you’d like to do while you’re here? I’m afraid Skyhold isn’t exactly a tropical spa resort.”

“I suppose if I run out of things to do here I can return to Denerim early,” he mused. “And I was thinking of seeing if Leliana could find a way for me to visit Orlais anonymously.”

I grinned at that. “Oooh! We could dress as Inquisition agents! It’s not exactly anonymous, but if we don’t show them my hand or identify you, it’s fairly close. We’d have to give you an agent name. Unless you’d rather get dressed up with masks, that is. Nothing too expensive. Merchant class or something.”

He nodded, “I figured it would be something like that. Do they have mask patterns for visiting Fereldens? I don’t think I can do an Orlesian accent.”

“I  _ know _ I can’t. I’ve never seen Leliana laugh so hard! But I might be able to manage a Ferelden accent well enough. Maybe we could get Cullen to come with us, to sort of round things out, reinforce our… doggedness?”

He laughed. “Dog masks?”

I shook my head, “I never saw animal masks in Val Royeaux. We’d stand out too much. Besides, I’d rather have a cat mask. Or maybe a jackalope.”

“What’s a jackalope?”

“A rabbit with antlers. They’re a legendary animal where I come from.” I scrunched my nose, “Wait, is that offensive to elves or something? I don’t want to be rude…” I held open the door to the kitchen for his majesty.

The cook saw me and immediately produced a small bowl of brined curds, and some basil leaves to wrap them in. My eyes lit up. “Ooh! We have a new batch! Yay!” I turned my arm to offer some to Alistair, while addressing the cook. “I was wondering if you had a moment to make us some cheese bread, please?”

“We got a day-old batard I can use, or some fresh brown bread, but I’m all out of the sour coast bread you like.”

“The batard sounds perfect, thank you. Can you make enough for three? We can wait here, or you can send them up to the Commander’s office, whichever you prefer.”

“I’ll send you up a runner, your worship, don’t you worry,” she laughed, before sweeping us out of her kitchen with both hands, closing the door behind us.

I cradled the little bowl of brined curds and basil as we walked the convoluted path to Cullen’s rooms. “Mmm, feta, my second-favorite cheese!” I recited contentedly.

“What’s your favorite?” he asked, grinning.

“SMOO-CHEESE!” I announced, triumphantly, throwing my free hand up in the air.

“I have never heard of  _ smoo-cheese. _ ” he replied, raising his eyebrows. “It must be a very tasty cheese indeed if you like it even better than the fondue you served us last night. I’d like to try some. Do you have a supply here in Skyhold?”

“I suppose we do, yes. To be fair, not all kinds of smoo-cheese are alike in dignity. There’s much better than the smoo-cheese we served last night to be had if you know where to get some.” I agreed, playing along. At least, I’d hoped we were playing?

“There was smoo-cheese in last night’s dinner?” he asked innocently. “I don’t remember  _ tasting _ any,” he pouted.

“What? Oh gods, is ‘smooch’ not a child’s word for ‘kiss’ in Dwarven Trade? Nobody ever gets my puns around here…” I lamented. “It’s just a silly joke between me and my lover back home,” I explained, blushing.

He busted up laughing, “I was just teasing you, Ember! Of course I got it.”

I facepalmed. “I am such a gullible  _ idiot _ ,” I groaned, shaking my head in my hand.

Alistair chuckled ruefully. “Yes, well, that’s probably why Leliana thought we’d be good…  _ friends. _ You remind us of me when I was your age.”

I paused, confused, forgetting once again that my body looks half as old as my mind feels. “When you were my age?”

“Well, maybe not exactly your age. When I was twenty, anyway. When Leliana first met me, during the blight.”

“Oh! Right, that makes sense.”

“I dare not ask how old a lady such as yourself actually is. Anora would kick me under the table if she were here.”

“Even when there’s no table to hide it?”

“Then she’d pinch me.”

“She sounds like such a nice person,” I deadpanned.

He laughed. Alistair is certainly a cheerful person, isn’t he?

“She was training me for the throne, and had little other way to keep me from making a fool of us both. It bothered me at first but once I figured out why she was doing it, I was rather grateful. As I got more observant, her cues got subtler. Now she only kicks me when I do something she  _ knows _ I know better than to do. Like ask a lady her age,” he looked at me pointedly.

“Perhaps I should just admit that I’m older than I look?” I ducked my head, popping another feta curd in my mouth.

“Admit it. You’re secretly an ancient elf who used magic to turn your ears round,” he joked.

“I’m pretty sure the ‘secretly an ancient elf’ role is already taken. How does ‘uses my secret dwarven-avvar spirit enchantment to keep myself magically young’ sound?”

He wrinkled his nose, “Too much like Morrigan’s mother.”

“Huh. Okay. Well, then I’m not sure what to tell you. I didn’t do it on purpose? I blame the Fade, really.”

“Fine, keep your mysterious secrets, then.”

“It’s a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, hidden under the laundry pile behind the stairs,” I nodded sagely.

“That’s a terrible hiding place. You should put it in a box in an ancient temple full of spirits with riddles and a bridge puzzle, and wait, that one exploded already, nevermind.”

“That’s what the Temple of Sacred Ashes was like when you found it?” I asked, with genuine interest.

He nodded. “I mean, the lower sanctuary was just full of snow and wraiths and crazy cultists, and the caves between them were full of dragonlings and spiders and  _ more _ crazy cultists, with mages and better weapons, and a bad habit of drinking blood.” I scrunched up my face in disgust, and he nodded. “But the actual building containing the ashes was full of spirits presenting us with various…  _ challenges _ . The first one was the doorkeeper, who poked us in the guilt like a suspicious Chantry mother. Then there were a bunch of spirits resembling famous figures from the Chant, who asked us riddles. That was kind of fun, actually, but for some reason they only listened to Kaigan’s answers, which was nice, because then we could all discuss it and guess until we agreed, and Kaigan answered them. But we got one wrong, and it turned into a wraith and attacked us, which was frankly easier than the riddle anyway, I thought. In the next room, one imitated Kaigan’s recently deceased father, which did  _ not _ make him happy. Not that I blame him. I’d have been a wreck if it’d been Duncan for us,” he admitted. He took a deep breath and dove back into the narrative.

“Then there were a bunch who imitated the four of us, except the dog. We had to fight them, which was especially unpleasant since we had Wynne with us. Then there was this weird puzzle where we had to stand very still on the right panels on the floor so Kaigan could cross a bottomless pit. It was probably lined with sharp things and snakes. No, wait, spiders. It’s always spiders, really. Finally we all had to strip naked and walk through a magical fire! I had to strip naked in front of Leliana and Wynne! And I didn’t even get any smoo-cheese out of it!”

“Terrible, terrible troubles,” I agreed solemnly.

“I know, right?!” he laughed.

\-----

The night before he was scheduled to leave, King Alistair sat down to dinner in the main hall with me, Leliana, Cullen, and the rest of the inner circle gathered at the head table, and everyone else invited to the feast, to bid him a fond farewell.

Or, well, a fondue farewell, as his one request was for another pot of the traditional gooey cheese dish I’d concocted before.

“How early are you departing in the morning, Your Majesty?” I asked, trying not to let my disappointment show. We had serious business to get back to, after all.

“As early as I can manage. I am going to visit Redcliffe on my way back. Uncle Teagan wants to discuss the refugee situation with me.”

I winced. “If you wouldn’t mind my team escorting you at least that far, I should probably meet the Arl in person, and make sure the reparations he requested are going smoothly.”

“What, more of your company? How will I survive?” he put one hand on his heart and staggered, prompting a chuckle from me. “That would be lovely, in fact. I expect Teagan will insist on sending a couple of his guards from there to Denerim, which will save you from the worst of the wet dog smell.”

“It’s a plan, then. I’m not the world’s best morning person, but I can manage an early start for royalty, I’m sure,” I agreed, grinning.

\-----

Good gods, why did I agree to get up at first light? The dawn will come indeed, ugh, there’s not enough caffeine in the world!

Ah well, no rest for the wicked.

My breakfast tray came with a bundle of Crystal Grace, Felandaris, and Witherstalk, for some reason. I’m pretty sure those aren’t food. Does Thedas have a language of flowers?

\-----

I think Varric’s nefarious plan is working. I looked up the flowers. Divine love, personal loss, and  _ contraceptive _ ?

_ Leliana... _

\-----


End file.
